2/06/2012

Squirrel Attacks Woman in Golf Cart | Lecturas


A woman golfing with her husband and her mother was taken to the local hospital yesterday afternoon. The woman was struck by a golf cart driven by her mom.

Ginger Rogers, 55, was hit by the cart about 2 p.m. at Fairway Golf Course. She was examining her 50-foot putt on the par 5 tenth hole when she heard her mother scream. Ginger turned around just in time to see her mom driving straight toward her. The force of the collision knocked her over, and the cart then ran over her foot.

Her mom, 81 years old, said that a squirrel had jumped up into the cart looking for snacks. She tried to shoo the squirrel away. Instead, it rose up on its hind feet and made a hissing sound. Startled and frightened, the old lady hit the gas pedal.

The paramedics arrived about 15 minutes later and treated Ginger for a broken left ankle. They gave a mild sedative to her mother, who kept muttering, “Vicious, simply vicious.” Then they took Ginger to the hospital. Mr. Rogers promised his wife he would visit her after he finished his round.

John Dean, an attorney for the golf course, said the golf course was not responsible for the actions of its animals. He added, “If the ladies want to sue, they’ll have to sue the squirrel. We’re still assessing the damage to the cart and the green. It looks fairly light; I doubt that the driver will owe us more than $1,000.”

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Let’s Go to Vegas! | Lecturas


Sandra had not been to Las Vegas in more than a year. She was excited. Her sister Janice was coming by to pick her up in about ten minutes. Sandra finished putting her toothbrush and toothpaste into her travel bag; those were the last two items on her “to pack” list.

She had called ahead, of course, to get a room for Janice and herself. The hotel told her that no more rooms were available at the price that was advertised in the newspaper. This was no surprise to Sandra. So, she put down a $100 nonrefundable deposit on a room for two nights. The cost for both nights was going to be $200 plus taxes, surcharges, and other fees.

She looked at her watch. Janice was late, of course. Sandra had forgotten to remind Janice of today’s departure time. To put it kindly, Janice was not exactly the most organized person in the world. Sandra called Janice up. She left a short message: “Where are you? It’s time to go to Vegas!”

A few minutes later, Janice called back. She had a big problem—a schedule conflict. She had already promised to attend her daughter’s eighth-grade graduation ceremony this very weekend.

“Oh, Sandra, I’m so sorry,” Janice said. “I know how much you had wanted to do this. I thought Alice’s graduation ceremony and party were next week. I get so confused sometimes. I’ll make this up to you, I promise. Maybe you can call up Lily; she might be available, even though it’s really short notice. If not, don’t worry, I’ll pay you for everything and we can make plans again.”

Sandra sighed and dialed her friend Lily. She wondered how Janice had made it through life so unorganized.

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There Goes the Neighborhood! | Lecturas


Carbon Street is a long, tree-lined street with majestic houses on either side. The houses are owned by millionaires who cherish their quiet, residential street. Throughout the day, the only noise is usually the sound of various birds singing in the trees or the occasional jetliner flying high overhead. Not even the sound of gas leaf blowers or gas lawn mowers invades the silence.

But, nothing lasts forever. Carbon Street is about to change. Mr. Bing, a self-made billionaire, has a plan. A big plan. A big plan for a big house. Mr. Bing says he likes to do everything big.

“I like to make a statement. What’s the use of being on this planet if others don’t know that you’re here? After years of searching all over the world, I have determined that Carbon Street is the perfect place to live. I plan to build the biggest house in the world at the end of this street. Construction will take about three years, but it will be worth it. I’m going to throw at least one party every weekend for all my friends. It’s going to be fantastic!”

“It’s going to be a nightmare,” said one neighbor. “We’re already talking to some realtors. Three years of construction. Three years of trucks going back and forth every day. And then parties every weekend? We can't even sue him—I think he’s got more money than our whole state. No, it’s time to move. We went from having the nicest neighborhood to having the worst neighborhood, all because of one new neighbor. I wonder who the idiot is who told him about our street.”

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The Doctor’s Almost Perfect Children | Lecturas


Veronica was an only child. Even as a child, she decided that she was going to be a doctor. All her dolls became her patients. All her dollhouses became hospitals for her patients. She spent her early childhood treating her patients for all kinds of diseases and injuries. She saved all of them and billed none of them.

Veronica got straight A’s in high school and college, because she knew that good grades would help her get into a good medical school. She graduated from medical school near the top of her class. She became a pediatrician. She got married and had two kids, one boy and one girl. Veronica’s husband David was an architect and a great cook. Her children did their homework without being told. They got straight A’s in school. They ate all their vegetables without complaining. They were perfect little children, except for one thing: They argued with each other constantly.

Veronica got home at 4:30 p.m. today. David gave her a big kiss and a hug. Then her kids gave her a kiss and a hug. She went upstairs and changed into shorts and a T-shirt. When she returned, the kids were waiting for her in the living room to talk about their day in school.

Marvin, 10, said that today his biology teacher helped them cut up dead frogs. They smelled bad, but he enjoyed seeing their little body parts, like their lungs and heart. “I like biology,” Marvin said. “I want to be a biologist, an animal doctor, and an inventor when I grow up. I’m going to invent a pill so that animals all learn to live together without eating each other all the time.”

“You’re crazy!” exclaimed Rebecca. “What are the animals going to eat if they don’t eat each other?”

“You don’t know anything. You’re a girl and you’re only nine,” taunted Marvin.

“Marvin, be polite to your sister,” Veronica admonished.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said. “I apologize, dear little sister.”

“That didn’t sound very sincere, mommy,” Rebecca complained.

“Okay, here’s how I’ll keep the animals from eating each other. I already thought of that, of course. The solution is a pill that will make all animals like to eat grass, like the cows and sheep do. That way no more animals will eat each other, and kids won’t have to mow the lawn any more. So, that will kill two birds with one stone.”

“Well, that’s very clever,” Veronica told Marvin.

“Now, tell us about your day, Rebecca,” Veronica said.

“Well, as you know, mommy, I’m going to be a real doctor like you, not a mad scientist like somebody I know,” Rebecca started, and then stuck her tongue out at her brother.

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The Final Phone Call | Lecturas


“But I love you so much,” she said. “I think I must be crazy. I can’t stop thinking about you. I want to be with you all the time. I want to marry you.”

“Maybe you are a little crazy,” he said. “Although I think that’s part of being in love. But you hardly know me. I like you, but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I could ever be in love with you.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know,” he lied. “You’re not my type.”

“I’m not your type,” she repeated. “What is your type? A woman with no wrinkles and a perfect body? A woman who is beautiful even when she wakes up? A movie star? Is that your type?”

“No, of course not,” he lied again. “I don’t know. I’m like everybody else—you’re either attracted to a certain person or you’re not.”

“So you’re not attracted to me?”

“Well, I didn’t say that,” he lied a third time.

“I’m making a fool of myself. You might even be laughing at me. You don’t love me. You just said that you never could love me.”

“No, I said I could never be IN love with you,” he said.

“‘Love,’ ‘in love.’ What difference does it make any more? I apologize. It was nice of you to put up with me. Please forgive me for making a fool of myself and for bothering you. I will never call you again. I must try to forget you now. I am dropping out of school tomorrow; I can’t go there without thinking of you. My heart is so sad.”

She hung up. Alan walked outside. What was he supposed to do? He liked her, but he certainly didn’t love her. Lead her on with lies, or tell her the truth now?

There was a beautiful full moon. But he felt sad. He knew that Natalie was probably crying right now. She must be so lonely.

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Open Wide and Say Your Prayers | Lecturas


Three months had passed. It was time for Tony to visit his dental hygienist again. The visit usually lasted two to three hours. The hygienist always went through a list of questions about his health. Then she took his pulse and blood pressure. Last, she ran her gloved finger all around the inside of his mouth, looking for and feeling for abnormalities.

On this visit, she found one. It was a white spot on the side of his tongue. “We often see this in smokers’ mouths,” she told him. She called the dentist over.

“How long has that been there?” he asked Tony.

“I have no idea,” said Tony.

“We’re going to have to do a biopsy,” the dentist said. “It won’t require more than two or three stitches. We have to make sure this spot is benign. We’ll do it right after your teeth are cleaned.”

Tony couldn’t eat anything except soup for a couple of days after the surgery, nor could he pronounce words clearly. If the white spot were malignant, how much more surgery would be required? How much of his tongue would be removed? He regretted all those years of smoking.

A week later, the dentist removed the stitches and told Tony that the white spot was benign. Tony was relieved.

A few days afterward, Tony was talking to a friend of his who was a long-time smoker. “You really ought to quit,” he suggested. “That was a good scare I just got from my dentist. Getting part of your tongue cut out is not a pleasant thought.”

“I'm not worried. You’ve got to die of something. I've got a greater chance of getting killed by a drunk driving a white SUV than by some white spot on my tongue. Besides, this is my only vice. I need to be able to enjoy something in life, don’t I?”

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Police Arrest Happy Van Driver | Lecturas


Police in San Dimas pulled over a florist’s van yesterday and arrested the driver, Karl Rover, for smoking and transporting marijuana. The police got suspicious when Karl remained stopped even after the light had turned green.

One officer asked Karl where he was headed. Grinning broadly, Karl said he was making a delivery. The officer told Karl to turn off the radio, which was blasting rock music. “Dude, this is the Grateful Dead,” Karl groaned.

A moment later, Karl’s cell phone rang. Karl said, “Hey, dude. What’s up?” The officer grabbed the phone from Karl.

“Did you get the cash for the weed?” asked the voice on the other end.

“Yes,” the officer replied, pretending that he was Karl.

“How much did you get?”

“$1,000.”

“$1,000! $1,000! What is the matter with you? That’s $50,000 worth of grass, you idiot! I’m going to kill you!”

The officer laughed when the other person hung up. He went around to the back of the van and opened the doors. Although there were flowers in the back, there were also many plastic bags, each about 12” square, packed tightly with marijuana.

In the cab of the van, a joint was smoldering in the ashtray. The officer took it out of the ashtray and held it up to Karl. “What do you know about this?” he asked Karl.

Grinning, Karl said, “What do I know about it? I know everything about it. I planted it, I watered it, I harvested it, and I rolled it. It’s dynamite weed, dude. Try it!”

The officer brought out his handcuffs. Karl’s grin disappeared. “Hey, at least let me have one more hit!”

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Are Criminals Taking Over LA? | Lecturas


A 29-year-old woman was driving her car in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was fatally wounded by a couple of stray bullets. The bullets were intended for a 20-year-old man, who was seriously wounded by two other bullets.

The shootings occurred an hour before sunset, a mile west of downtown Los Angeles. Two gang members attempted to rob the 20-year-old man. The victim punched one of his attackers, knocking him down, and then took off running. As he ran, the gangsters fired several times and struck him in the back.

They also put a couple of errant shots into the head of the woman driver. Mortally wounded, she crashed through the big glass window of a salon, coming to a stop at the hair-washing sinks.

Fortunately, the salon was closed because its owner was at a family funeral. His nephew had been stabbed to death by a gang member a week earlier. The gang member, who was robbing the nephew, got angry when all he found in the nephew’s wallet was a dollar, an ID card, and a library card.

“A library card!” the gang member said angrily. “You think you're smarter than me? If you're so smart, why are you getting robbed?” He then stabbed the victim multiple times, ripped up the library card, spit on it, and ran away.

“This city’s getting ridiculous,” said a local neighborhood watch member. “Criminals are killing people almost every day. They laugh at us. They know that, even if convicted, they will get free housing, free meals, and free medical care. And they get to sit around in jail all day reading magazines! That’s punishment? It sounds more like a reward! What do the rest of us get for being HONEST? We get to work hard all day so we can die tired and poor.”

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Beautiful Teacher Smiles, then Walks Away | Lecturas


The annual teachers’ meeting was the only time that all the teachers got together in one place at one time. It was a 3-hour meeting, from 7 to 10 p.m. Lecturers talked on various subjects. Each talk was followed by a question and answer period. It was an informal, pleasant evening.

The evening always began with a delicious dinner catered by a local restaurant. This year’s host was a Middle Eastern restaurant. Teachers piled as much as they wanted on their paper plates and found a seat outdoors or in the auditorium. Most teachers really seemed to appreciate the food.

For Shane, this evening was his opportunity to check out the female teachers. This year, a beauty walked into the auditorium about 10 minutes late. She sat in the row in front of Shane, just two seats away. Shane couldn’t believe it. She was not only the best-looking woman in the auditorium, but she smiled at him before she sat down. She was tall and had long red hair. She was wearing a sexy black cocktail dress.

Shane could not focus on the meeting anymore. He looked at the lecturers less than he looked at the redhead. He was enveloped in her perfume. She took notes right-handed. She ran her fingers through her hair. She crossed and uncrossed her legs. Shane was going crazy. Plus, there was no ring on her left hand.

The meeting ended. The dean thanked everyone for attending. Everybody applauded the presenters. The redhead stood up. Shane stood up. She smiled at him, and then walked out. Shane walked out. She went to the restroom. Shane waited. When she came out, he walked up to her.

“Hi,” he smiled. “My name’s Shane. I was wondering if you have time for a cup of coffee. I was hoping we could share some of our teaching experiences.”

She smiled. “Why, thank you. That’s sweet of you. I appreciate your offer, but I’ve got to get home. My husband is babysitting tonight, and I’m sure he’s pretty tired. Maybe another time?” She smiled, and walked away.

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Stepmother Kills Herself | Lecturas


Lois Castle, 58, committed suicide at home with a revolver yesterday. Two police officers heard a single gunshot as they were about to knock on her front door. They were at her house to arrest her for the 1970 murder of her young stepdaughter. Castle apparently realized that she was going to be arrested. Only a month earlier she had been interviewed by detectives about Dorothy’s death 35 years ago.

In 1970, Castle told police that the girl had fallen out of a tree she was climbing and hit her head on a rock. But Dorothy’s natural father, Dwayne, who was married to Castle at the time, thought his wife was lying. “She said she would hurt me if I bother her again,” Dorothy had told her father earlier.

“Your little girl is making up stories about me. I try to love her, but she rejects me,” Castle told Dwayne.

An autopsy was inconclusive, and the death was ruled accidental. Dwayne divorced Castle shortly thereafter.

But the case was reopened recently when a playmate of Dorothy’s came forward. Beverly Lisenby, also seven at that time, said she was about to knock on the door of Dorothy’s house that fateful day. But instead of knocking, she listened quietly as she heard Dorothy screaming for help and Castle telling her to shut up. Beverly listened until it was silent inside, then ran back home. She was so shaken by the event that she had told no one in all these years.

The coroner dug up Dorothy’s body and did a second autopsy. Using new crime-solving tools, he determined that Dorothy had been struck in the skull several times by a rock the size of a baseball.

The police are now trying to locate Dwayne to tell him the good news.

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Valuable Guitar Found | Lecturas


A classical guitarist was thrilled to hear from New York City police that his valuable guitar had been found. It disappeared almost a year ago when he got out of a taxicab and forgot to take the guitar with him. Laurence Lennon, 44, said he was running late that day. He was talking to his manager on his cell phone when he dashed out of the cab. He said that he gave the driver $60 and told him to keep the change. He walked through the front doors of the concert hall still talking on the phone to his manager.

Upon discovering his loss, Lennon used his cell phone to call the police. The policewoman asked him for the name of the cab company, the number of the cab, and the name of the driver. He said that she had to be kidding.

She told Lennon that he could file a missing items report at the police station or online. Lennon asked for the online address. It was www.nypd.gov/toprotectandtoserve/haveaniceday. She told him that finding the guitar might take a couple of years—finding guitars was not as important as finding murderers and marijuana smokers. Then she told him to have a nice day.

"This year has been depressing," said Lennon. “I had to postpone the recording of two new CDs. I’ve been using borrowed guitars. And I was losing hope of ever recovering my guitar.”

Lennon was reunited with his $100,000 guitar yesterday. The case and the guitar had been discovered in the corner of a coffeehouse only two blocks from where Lennon had lost it in the first place. Lennon had offered a $10,000 reward for its return. He said he would give the reward to the coffeehouse owner, who had notified the police. The police department prepared a news release about its success in tracking down the guitar

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Train Wreck “Frees” Cows | Lecturas


A Continental Pacific Railroad freight train derailed on Tuesday about 40 miles north of Sacramento. The exact cause is still being investigated, but authorities say it was no accident. The head engineer said everything was fine; then suddenly, everything wasn't.

Of the freight train's 86 cars, 22 went off the tracks. Fortunately, this incident did not involve any fatalities, human or otherwise. The head engineer was treated for a broken wrist at a nearby hospital. He was the only casualty.

Trains throughout California frequently carry dangerous cargoes, such as chemicals. When these trains derail, authorities immediately evacuate nearby communities because of the danger of explosions or of harmful fumes. However, this train carried only lumber, new automobiles, and cattle destined for slaughter.

After the mishap, lumber was scattered on either side of the tracks. About 20 automobiles were damaged. The biggest problem, however, was the cattle. About 300 of them were standing on or near the tracks, wandering into the nearby woods, or standing on the nearby highway. Traffic on the two-lane highway was backed up for almost a mile in each direction.

“We know who did this,” said a California Highway Patrol spokesman. “The train was sabotaged by a group called Tofu for You. They left their pamphlets all over the crime scene. They 'liberate' animals that are on their way to the slaughterhouse. They think Americans should eat tofu instead of meat. They’re wasting their time. All these cows are going to be burgers by tomorrow night.”

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Let’s Go Fishing | Lecturas


Dave needed to pack for Saturday’s fishing trip. He went into his hall closet, where he had more than 20 rods and reels. Nowadays he went fishing twice a year at Big Bear, a huge lake in southern California about 7,000 feet up in the mountains.

California tries to boost the fishing industry by sponsoring a Free Fishing Day twice a year, once in June and once in September. That sufficed for Dave. He went mostly because it was a social event with a few friends, not so much to catch fish. Even by itself, the scenic drive up a twisty two-lane road was worth the trip. Not to mention the big, beautiful houses and trees that lined the shore of the lake.

Packing was a project in itself. Dave had even created a computer file named Fishing Trip. It was a checklist of 45 things to take to Big Bear. He took two rods, because on Free Fishing Day you were allowed to fish with two rods instead of the usual one rod. He took a hooded sweatshirt, jeans, two pair of socks, a heavy hooded denim jacket, winter gloves, and a scarf. He also took flip-flops, shorts, a T-shirt, #30 sun block, sunglasses, a big hat, and a lightweight raincoat. If you go to Big Bear in June, you’d better be prepared for hot or cold, rain or shine.

He packed a couple of magazines to read just in case the fish weren’t biting. He and his friends joked that the fish were always biting - in the spot you just left or the spot you were headed to.

After about an hour and a half, Dave had gathered all the items on his list into a neat pile next to his door. He went to bed knowing that tomorrow’s weather and fishing were unpredictable, but the good time with his friends was a given.

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Female Seeks Mature Male | Lecturas


Julia was 12 years old. Her best friend Betsy was 13. Summer was almost over. School was about to start. Julia and Betsy were having lunch at BurgerBoy. Betsy had decided that Julia needed a boyfriend.

“But why?” asked Julia. “I’m okay without one. What good is a 12-year-old boy anyway? All they’re interested in is playing baseball or riding their skateboards. Where does a girl fit into that picture?”

“Don’t be silly,” replied Betsy. “And forget about 12-year-olds. They’re immature. You should go for someone more experienced—someone at least 13 years old. Someone who will carry your books and walk you to your classes. You need someone who’ll give you a Valentine’s Day card and remember your birthday. You need someone to comfort you when you’re sad and lonely. You need someone to protect you.”

“But my dad does that! That’s what dads are for. He comforts me; he protects me. And he remembers my birthday, too. I’ve got a backpack to carry my books, and I know where all my classes are. I don’t need an escort. And a Valentine’s Day card means that someone loves you. What if I don’t love them back? I don’t want a Valentine’s Day card from someone I don’t love. I don’t love anyone anyway. I’m too young. I don’t think I even know what love is. Besides, you don’t have a boyfriend. Why should I?”

“Because you're my first client. I've decided that I'm going to be a matchmaker when I grow up.”

“Well, if I'm your first client, that means I'll probably also be your first mistake. No, thank you.”

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The Way to a Man’s Heart | Lecturas


Lina often asked Luke to dinner. Lina loved Luke, but Luke loved Lina’s cooking, not Lina herself. Lina accepted that for the time being. But she felt that, with enough meals and enough time, she would get her man.

Luke rarely stayed more than ten minutes past the last bite of dessert. Lina would ask Luke if he wanted to watch TV, or play cards or chess, or take a walk around the neighborhood, but Luke always declined. He always said, “I’ve got to go.” They both knew that Luke didn’t have to go anywhere. All he ever did was go back to his apartment and read books or go online.

Tonight was probably going to be more of the same. But Lina was a patient woman. She loved to cook, and she loved to watch people eat her cooking. Tonight she prepared shrimp, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. Luke ate everything with gusto. Then she brought out her homemade cheesecake with vanilla ice cream for dessert.

Luke asked, “Are you trying to fatten me up for something? Every time I come over here, I have to eat celery and lettuce for a week to get back down to my normal weight.”

“Oh, stop exaggerating,” Lina replied. “You enjoy every mouthful.”

“You’re right. I apologize. I love your cooking, and if you didn’t invite me over here, I’d be hurt and hungry.”

Lina watched contentedly as Luke devoured the cheesecake and ice cream. Someday, she thought, I will be his dessert.

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How to Get out of Jury Duty | Lecturas


The mailman delivers good news and bad news. Topping the “bad news” list for many people who live in Los Angeles is a jury summons. This document tells you that you must respond by mail or phone for possible service on a jury. Many people feel that jury duty is a boring chore and would prefer not doing it.

In fact, court clerks say that the most common question they hear is: Why do I have to serve? The official response is: Jury duty is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

If you are a citizen, if you can read and understand English, if you’re over 18 years old, and if you’re not a felon, you are eligible for jury duty. If you ignore the summons, you might be fined up to $1,500.

A jury trial might last one day or one month. If you work for the government, this is no problem, because the government will pay you your regular salary while you are on jury duty. However, if you are self-employed, you lose your regular income for that time period. Instead of your regular income, you get $15 a DAY for sitting on a jury. This is another reason people try to avoid jury duty.

Jack got the bad news yesterday. Even though he was retired and sat around all day watching reruns of old movies, he told his wife Polly he wasn’t going to be a juror. He hated jury duty and he was not going to let the courts interfere with his retirement.

“So how do you think you are going to get out of it?” Polly asked, both amused and irritated. “Are you going to claim that you’re dead? Or are you going to tell them you’ve moved out of the country?”

“No, both of those involve too much paperwork. I’ve got a better idea. It’s a medical excuse. It says here that if you have a physical disability, you can be dismissed.”

“What’s your disability? Your 'bad back' doesn't allow you to sit in a chair watching reruns all day?”

“No. Something better than that. I’ve got gas. It’ll offend the other jurors and everyone else in the courtroom. They’ll have to open all the windows or issue gas masks.”

“But there’s one problem. You don’t have gas.”

“But I know how to create it. I’ll eat a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning that I go to court. As soon as they get a whiff of my ‘problem,’ they’ll tell me to go home and stay home.”

“That’s a brilliant idea!” Polly said, as she rolled her eyes. At least it would get him out of the house for one day, she thought.

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The Man Who Loved Women | Lecturas


Grady was rich, but he was 78 and on his deathbed. No amount of money—or love—could save him now.

In his youth, Grady had been a major skirt-chaser. No woman was safe from his charm. He used to juggle three or four girlfriends at a time.

He’d often accidentally call them by the wrong names. The first time that happened to a new girlfriend, she would get upset. Instead of lying, Grady would admit that he had another girlfriend—or two. “But,” he would quickly add, “you are my number one. You’ll always be my number one.”

Somehow, this little white lie often worked. Sometimes his various girlfriends would even end up meeting each other and become fast friends.

Any attractive woman was a target for Grady. He would walk right up to her and say, “You’re very attractive. Are you single and unattached?” If she said yes, he’d invite her out for a cup of coffee right then and there. If she said yes, but she didn’t have time just then for coffee, he’d get her phone number and ask for a rain check. If she said no, he’d ask her if she had a twin sister who was single and unattached. This often made the woman smile or laugh. Sometimes she would change her no to a yes.

Grady was a wonderful dancer. He was just average-looking, but he carried himself with confidence and had a ready smile and a pleasant laugh. He was well-read, he knew a thousand jokes, and he had no bad habits. Perhaps most important, he made a woman feel like a woman, according to many of his girlfriends.

Even in his old age, Grady hadn’t slowed down. Tending to his dying needs were Didi and Mimi, a pair of 40-year-old twins that Grady had finally “settled down” with.

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Honk if You're in a Hurry | Lecturas


Mark was cursing the driver in front of him because she was creeping along. He was running late for a golf game with his friend Barney. He was on a two-lane road that led to the golf course. The road was straight uphill. It went for six blocks through a busy residential neighborhood. There was a four-way stop sign at the end of each block.

Every time the woman ahead arrived at a stop sign, she looked left and right. Then she looked left and right again. Then she proceeded slowly forward.

Mark was pulling his hair out. Never be in a hurry in LA, he muttered to himself. Mark didn't pass her because there was too much oncoming traffic. At the very last stop sign, she turned right.

At last, no one was in front of him. Mark put the pedal to the metal to make up for lost time. However, as soon as he rounded the first curve, he had to immediately brake for a cement truck crawling up the hill at about 5 mph. Mark couldn't believe it. His tee time was 11:45 and it was 11:39. Mark ignored the solid yellow line and passed the truck. It was 11:40 when he got to the parking lot. He walked quickly to the clubhouse to tell Mel, the assistant pro, that he had arrived.

Mel said, “We’re running about 10 minutes behind, so you’re okay. But Barney just called. He said there was a fatal accident on the freeway. The highway patrol closed his side of the freeway. He said to go on without him; he’s going back home.”

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Eat Your Vegetables | Lecturas


The federal government, displaying even less sense than usual, has yielded to the French fry industry. Frozen French fries—sliced, fried in oil, and then packaged—are now approved as “fresh vegetables” by the US Department of Agriculture.

The French fry industry has been petitioning the USDA for years to get this approval. They say that their product is similar to cucumbers that have a wax coating. They argue that they use 100 percent vegetable oil, which is much healthier for consumers than plain wax.

Most consumers, of course, beg to differ. “You must be joking,” said Annie, 50. “How can you consider a product that’s deep-fried in oil to be a fresh vegetable? Even if I steamed broccoli, I could no longer call it fresh broccoli—it’s cooked! I wish I were a lobbyist, so my congressman would help me. Unfortunately, I’m only a tax-paying citizen.”

The USDA defends its decision, saying that potatoes undeniably are vegetables. Although French fries are fried in oil, they are still potatoes. If you let them sit on your countertop for a couple of weeks, a USDA spokesman said, the fries will rot just like all other fresh vegetables.

Consumer advocates say the USDA has totally lost touch with the consumers. “They'd probably declare that eggshells are nutritious if a lobbyist asked them to,” said one advocate.

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Victory Dance Leads to Death | Lecturas


A basketball game ended abruptly Saturday afternoon when 18-year-old Damon Miller was fatally shot at a recreation center. The gunman, who called himself Ace, ran south on Oak Street after the shooting and remains at large. Miller was pronounced dead at the scene by the paramedics. He died from two gunshot wounds to his chest. The paramedics did not arrive immediately because they were tied up at a four-car crash a mile away. This was the second such shooting during a basketball game, apparently by the same gunman.

According to witnesses, Miller did a little dance after making a game-winning 3-point basket. When Ace told him to stop celebrating, Miller ignored him. Then Ace pulled a small gun out of his baggy shorts and fired two quick shots. Everyone else backed away. Instead of running immediately, Ace picked up the basketball and made a 3-pointer himself. Then he did a little dance next to the victim’s head and fled.

A police officer said the suspect will be charged with "a lot more than unsportsmanlike conduct" when arrested. Eyewitnesses said Ace is a white male, 5'11", about 200 pounds, with a small scar on his left cheek.

Local activists criticized the police for dragging their feet in their search for the suspect. “You can bet if it was two white men who had been shot by a black man, there’d be a policeman on every basketball court in town till he was caught,” said one activist.

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